In my early twenties (almost a decade ago), I spent 2-3 years in a state of very low body fat levels (4-8%). The psychological changes associated with this state were disturbing but fascinating.
First and foremost, I was incredibly obsessive. I remember standing in the shower on Christmas Eve for over 30 minutes obsessing about resting membrane potentials of eukaryote cells. My mum told me that a friend, who I had not seen in over a year, had come to visit, wanting to go on a walk with me.
I got out of the shower and had to write down my thoughts and theories, letting her wait for over 30 minutes. During our walk, I could not take my thoughts off ion channels.
The bad part was that I was always like that. Whenever I learned something, I became obsessed with it and I needed to understand every little detail of it. I was plagued for days about how bird feathers came to be, particularly how gene networks can create patterns that can be discerned from a distance.
Over the course of two years or so, I wrote over 4000 word pages of science notes I had meticulously collected. There was a level of visceral, life-or-death caring about science that is hard to put into words. Everything related to science seemed to have a cosmic importance to it.
I read 100s of Wikipedia articles on all kinds things related to STEM fields and I summarized the most important parts in hand-written notebooks. I reread these notebooks at a later point and summarized the “ultra-important” stuff in a digital format. My 4000 pages were the summary of the summary. I even created summaries of these documents.
One day I remember reading articles on lignin and I remember thinking to myself: “Why the hell do I even care?”…but I could not not continue reading it.
When I was walking, riding the bus, or just sitting at the table with friends, I was thinking about science. I was truly obsessed. Deep down I knew that I was missing life and a number of times I was deeply troubled and sad.
Nowadays, I am like “Yeah that is interesting, I want to read up on it more.”, then I forget about it, and move on with my life never thinking about it again. Anyway, during this period of my life I was a productive demon with despicable human traits. I had zero mood, little empathy and mostly cared about science and my own stuff. And the primary reason I was like this were the neurobiological adaptations (including sky-high dopamine levels) associated with starvation.
I was also very restless. I could rarely sit still and always needed to do something. I neglected hobbies and friends for the sake of “being productive”. I spent time with friends only because “being social is good for my brain” but not because of any enjoyment I got.
Another thing I remember was a plaguing indecisiveness. For even small decisions (e.g., what restaurants to go to), I used 100% of my cognitive capacities to contrast and compare the options and I still could not decide. I constantly redecided stuff.
For a long time, I felt like crap (as my sympathetic nervous system activity was abysmally low), dragging myself through life. How I accomplished what I accomplished during that time is a mystery to me as my baseline energy levels (i.e., without fasting, cold-showering, stimulants) were literally zero for over two years. (Hence also my interest in vitality.)
I was doing intermittent fasting at the time, and I could not stand breaking my fast for a couple of minutes early. Rationally, I knew that what I was doing did not make any sense. I even suspected my body fat levels and disordered eating being the cause of it, but I simply could not help it.
I had a girlfriend at the time and I usually saw my family only during certain holidays. One time, after being home for 3 days, I could not stand the “idleness” and told my family, which I love, that I want to spend time with my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend I want to spend more time with my family and that I won´t be seeing her for some time. I took a train ride back to the city where my university was in order to read Wikipedia articles on behavioral ecology. Fortunately, after 2 days the better part of my human-ness (or what was still left) got hold of me, I broke down crying, and took a train ride back home.
Back then, I made lies like this all the time and to all kinds of people. I sometimes also stole things from the supermarket, and I got once fined 120 euros for eating a carrot before paying for it. That was on my birthday.
Interestingly, in the Minnesota starvation experiment (the biggest starvation experiment ever conducted – starving people for science who refused to go to war), over 60% of people started to lie and steal things once their body fat levels got very low. The observers also noted a kind of manipulativeness these people did not show before. Most of the participants also complained about an indecisiveness they did not have before.
For me, there was a near-perfect correlation of my symptoms with body fat levels. If I gained weight (and my leptin levels rose), all of the symptoms decreased and if I ate less for a couple of days (my leptin levels fell) then my mind started to race.
If somebody got to know me back than vs. now, I am literally a different person. Back then, I fulfilled 5 out of 9 diagnostic criteria of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, now I fulfill none. This goes to show, that bodily/neurobiochemical changes have a large effect on personality, which is certainly not “constant”.
However, even though I am not proud of this period (particularly not the way I was as a person), I would not want to miss it because it was also useful.
Firstly, I went through med school learning much more compared to how I would have in an alternate universe with a normal social life. Secondly, I made decent money on the side (in a sales job that was fueled by my obsession) that would allow me to not think about money again up to this day. Thirdly, I learned a lot about STEM fields. Fourthly, it catalyzed the idea of a biotech start-up (related to starvation) I am cofounding with a good friend. Lastly, it ushered in an area of self-experimentation that help both friends and me to have a better life, share my findings on the internet, and hopefully also make me a better and more holistic doctor to my patients.
Weekly observations
This post was sent out to my newsletter subscribers as a Weekly Observation, one of which I share in my newsletter every week. You can find the full archive here.
Disclaimer
The content available on this website is based on the author’s individual research, opinions, and personal experiences. It is intended solely for informational and entertainment purposes and does not constitute medical advice. The author does not endorse the use of supplements, pharmaceutical drugs, or hormones without the direct oversight of a qualified physician. People should never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something they have read on the internet.